Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Proximity without Intimacy: My Developmentally Challenged Love Life
It seems that with all things I grow consistently. I have never really felt stagnant for too long, and my life has a very natural ebb and flow to it that I am comfortable with. Well, most parts of my life, do, anyway.
I do seem to have a problem with intimacy, however. Not sexual intimacy. Giving myself to someone physically can be difficult at times, but for the most part my sexual desires have motivated me to get beyond that. Like, my hormones and sexual impulses take precidence over my fear of giving my body to someone and trusting them enough to please it.
But intimacy in a relationship is hard for me. I don't trust people that I date. I am consistently waiting for the other shoe to drop, and while I'd like to be open and carefree and whatever it is people who have successful relationships are, the other shoe always does drop, and I'm proven right. My resistance to trusting people is solidified, then. The cycle repeats. I meet someone. I do not trust them. My sexual urges motivate me to sleep with them. We develop a one-on-one relationship. I doubt their intentions the entire time. I grow tired of not being able to trust them. I search until I find what it is they're hiding, or hunt until I discover what is truly wrong with them. The relationship ends. I feel justified in knowing they were terrible all along, and I should never have thought they'd be anything else. Rinse and repeat. Hopefully with someone cuter/richer/funnier. You get the idea.
After one of these cycles, I am left hollowed out and physically exhausted. I want to hide, or move, or go back home to Baltimore and drink until I black out with people I actually do trust. My friends. How is it that we form such amazing bonds with friends, but can't do so with lovers? Don't you think that's strange? And sure, getting black out drunk in Charm City may sound sad, but take it with a grain of salt because drinking heavily with people in Baltimore is, like, the most fun EVERRRRR. Srrriously. I digress.
I don't know if there is a point to this post. It's a little waah waah whiney for a blog, but I suppose recognizing the patterns I have and that these patterns upset me is part of solving the problem. For me, writing things down and admitting them in a public arena is how I problem solve. So here we are then.
I watched a movie called The Easy Girl not too long ago, and I really empathized with the main character. I'm watching a movie called Suburban Girl now, and again I can empathize. In the first film, a woman basically just slept with everyone she dated. None of the men she met ever called her afterward, and she had a hard time with the cycle she was in until eventually she broke it by maintaining celibacy for some odd stretch of time. She got to know herself, her trust issues, etc and fell in love. Everyone lived happily ever after. In the second movie, a young girl dates and older man, has a significant relationship, but also recognizes come the end of the film that just because a relationship is valuable is is not always supposed to last. Moral: People are--more often than not--supposed to break up. Also, as in the first film, everyone lives happily ever after. Just not with eachother.
I feel like a combo of the two films most acurately describes my mentality for dating. It's like, I know I should hold out, wait to put out, make people get to know me for me, and then be physically intimate with them. But I am also well aware that most relationships I have will end. They are not forever. So why waste so much time getting to the good stuff? Also, isn't being impulsive sexually a part of me? Aren't you getting to know me if you discover I am a fun girl with pretty kick-ass lapses in clear judgment? Seriously, it's a wild ride (haha not the sex, but the poor decision making) but it can be a fun one, too.
I had a boyfriend recently who did a nice job of dating me. Of course it didn't work out, but he was on top of taking me nice places, learning and listening to me and about me, and sharing things about himself in the process. It was one of the most healthy experiences I have had with a man. Boring, but healthy. To contrast that, the men who have really made me laugh in and out of bed, have never courted me at all. I jump into bed with them. I make the mistake of thinking "OH! Someone like-minded. We have so much in common as far as our personalities," and I assume--wrongly--that we would have a similar moral code about sexual encounters, which is that you don't need to wait for sex in order to still respect and want to get to know the person afterward.
It's all a big mess if you ask me. I can sit around and daydream that I will meet someone creative, sensitive, damaged but not ruined and dead sexy all day. The sad thing is that I think instead I need to work on me. But I'm tired of working on me!! The work piles up and it never, ever ends!! Aggggg.
Celibacy, anyone? Man, that would suck. I feel like my love-life is mentally retarded. Haha, or it's like Memento and I have no idea why everything keeps repeating.
I do seem to have a problem with intimacy, however. Not sexual intimacy. Giving myself to someone physically can be difficult at times, but for the most part my sexual desires have motivated me to get beyond that. Like, my hormones and sexual impulses take precidence over my fear of giving my body to someone and trusting them enough to please it.
But intimacy in a relationship is hard for me. I don't trust people that I date. I am consistently waiting for the other shoe to drop, and while I'd like to be open and carefree and whatever it is people who have successful relationships are, the other shoe always does drop, and I'm proven right. My resistance to trusting people is solidified, then. The cycle repeats. I meet someone. I do not trust them. My sexual urges motivate me to sleep with them. We develop a one-on-one relationship. I doubt their intentions the entire time. I grow tired of not being able to trust them. I search until I find what it is they're hiding, or hunt until I discover what is truly wrong with them. The relationship ends. I feel justified in knowing they were terrible all along, and I should never have thought they'd be anything else. Rinse and repeat. Hopefully with someone cuter/richer/funnier. You get the idea.
After one of these cycles, I am left hollowed out and physically exhausted. I want to hide, or move, or go back home to Baltimore and drink until I black out with people I actually do trust. My friends. How is it that we form such amazing bonds with friends, but can't do so with lovers? Don't you think that's strange? And sure, getting black out drunk in Charm City may sound sad, but take it with a grain of salt because drinking heavily with people in Baltimore is, like, the most fun EVERRRRR. Srrriously. I digress.
I don't know if there is a point to this post. It's a little waah waah whiney for a blog, but I suppose recognizing the patterns I have and that these patterns upset me is part of solving the problem. For me, writing things down and admitting them in a public arena is how I problem solve. So here we are then.
I watched a movie called The Easy Girl not too long ago, and I really empathized with the main character. I'm watching a movie called Suburban Girl now, and again I can empathize. In the first film, a woman basically just slept with everyone she dated. None of the men she met ever called her afterward, and she had a hard time with the cycle she was in until eventually she broke it by maintaining celibacy for some odd stretch of time. She got to know herself, her trust issues, etc and fell in love. Everyone lived happily ever after. In the second movie, a young girl dates and older man, has a significant relationship, but also recognizes come the end of the film that just because a relationship is valuable is is not always supposed to last. Moral: People are--more often than not--supposed to break up. Also, as in the first film, everyone lives happily ever after. Just not with eachother.
I feel like a combo of the two films most acurately describes my mentality for dating. It's like, I know I should hold out, wait to put out, make people get to know me for me, and then be physically intimate with them. But I am also well aware that most relationships I have will end. They are not forever. So why waste so much time getting to the good stuff? Also, isn't being impulsive sexually a part of me? Aren't you getting to know me if you discover I am a fun girl with pretty kick-ass lapses in clear judgment? Seriously, it's a wild ride (haha not the sex, but the poor decision making) but it can be a fun one, too.
I had a boyfriend recently who did a nice job of dating me. Of course it didn't work out, but he was on top of taking me nice places, learning and listening to me and about me, and sharing things about himself in the process. It was one of the most healthy experiences I have had with a man. Boring, but healthy. To contrast that, the men who have really made me laugh in and out of bed, have never courted me at all. I jump into bed with them. I make the mistake of thinking "OH! Someone like-minded. We have so much in common as far as our personalities," and I assume--wrongly--that we would have a similar moral code about sexual encounters, which is that you don't need to wait for sex in order to still respect and want to get to know the person afterward.
It's all a big mess if you ask me. I can sit around and daydream that I will meet someone creative, sensitive, damaged but not ruined and dead sexy all day. The sad thing is that I think instead I need to work on me. But I'm tired of working on me!! The work piles up and it never, ever ends!! Aggggg.
Celibacy, anyone? Man, that would suck. I feel like my love-life is mentally retarded. Haha, or it's like Memento and I have no idea why everything keeps repeating.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Look, I don't know about you, but
I feel really good when someone I hated to see get kicked off of America's Next Top Model ends up on another reality show.
Get it, Lisa D'Amato. Even if you are getting "it" on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. I still love you, girl.
Get it, Lisa D'Amato. Even if you are getting "it" on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. I still love you, girl.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Ain't that some shit.
So here we have one woman holding a retarded baby, and a teen mother holding her little baby whoopsie. Nice family portrait, you stupid hookers. Even better? Bristol is now speaking publicly about her belief in abstinence. Because teaching kids to abstain from sex worked so SO well in her case. Meanwhile her baby-gay-faced sperminator ex boyfriend is posing in Playgirl and not even showing us the penis.
Oh, and as for the "struggle to find romance after Levi," I can guarantee she's up for a challenge. A.) She's a mommy now B.) She's a Palin. INLAW NIGHTMARE!
Can someone take these children away so they don't grow up to be twice as retarded as they have already inherited? Heartwarming family photos. Ugh. Gross!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Tea Party in Aurianeland...starring Ke$ha, Nicki, Mariah and more!
This girl is my new favorite.
Ohhhh, Ke$ha let me count the ways...It's a combo triple threat of her always-dirty hair, her glitter spattered website, and her blantantly whorey and wasted lyrics that make me feel like (AT LAST!) I have found a pop star I can truly put stock in. If you know me and silly pop music, than you understand.
Look, I love some Britney, but the girl is tired, and you know it. I mean, what was that "3" shit? Terrible. And the weave! God, girl, THAT WEAVE!
Kylie is fabulous, and her last cd was great, but truth be told, Kylie is going to be winding down soon enough. I mean, she's been around since I was, like, 4. Plus her style is classy. I like classy, but I relate to dirty a lot more. Still, I love Kylie. I mean, best on-stage and video choreography and most consistently fun albums of them all.
We had a flash in the pan with Christina Aguilera, speaking of, ahem, dirrty, but after she released Stripped I feel like most of her music went a little downhill. Stripped is amazing, though. Plus between the mega-sized fake boobs and the three tons of makeup she wears when she grocery shops, I just can't relate. Sorry, boo. Or maybe I can relate a little too well. I don't need anyone inspiring me to wear more makeup than I already do!
I highly doubt that Ke$ha will elevate to the level of fame that these ladies did, but I adore her. I have consistently had "Bla Bla Bla" in my head, which is a song about a guy who won't shut up when Ke$ha just wants to bang bang bang. I mean, did she really just say, "Don't be a little bitch with your chit-chat, just show me where the dick's at?" Good girl. Hahah, please don't die soon...but watching this video makes me think she might. Be careful, drinky!
Also, "Dinosaur," makes me laugh. It's about old guys hitting on pieces that are too young for them. You've probably heard "Tik Tok," on the radio but the video above is where you can really see what a hot mess this girl is marketing herself as.
http://www.keshasparty.com/us/music/animal
Between Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj (oh my god she is sooo fierce, get the new album it's worth your while) I have my new 20-somethings to love. I still like Lily Allen, especially since she's started partying with Kate Moss and showing more and more nipple. Basically I just love hot messes who own it. ***Please note: Britney did not OWN her messy times...or messy weave!*** I have a feeling that we may see Miley Cyrus jump on the hot-mess bandwagon as soon as she hits, like, 18 or 21. We can only hope! DOWN WITH THE WHOLESOME FACADE! Real girls say and do real things. And I love whorey lyrics and 4-letter-words more than I love back-rubs. So there.
Oh, here's a link to Nicki Minaj, too. Kill da Dj is great, and you've probably already heard I Get Crazy. So good. SO GOOD.
In my musical fantasies, I have a tea party with Mariah Carey and Janet Jackson and Mary J. Blige while R Kelly cooks for us (NO PEE!). In the background? Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj's collab album plays. What? A girl can dream. Oh, and can Tony Danza be there, too? Thanks.
Ohhhh, Ke$ha let me count the ways...It's a combo triple threat of her always-dirty hair, her glitter spattered website, and her blantantly whorey and wasted lyrics that make me feel like (AT LAST!) I have found a pop star I can truly put stock in. If you know me and silly pop music, than you understand.
Look, I love some Britney, but the girl is tired, and you know it. I mean, what was that "3" shit? Terrible. And the weave! God, girl, THAT WEAVE!
Kylie is fabulous, and her last cd was great, but truth be told, Kylie is going to be winding down soon enough. I mean, she's been around since I was, like, 4. Plus her style is classy. I like classy, but I relate to dirty a lot more. Still, I love Kylie. I mean, best on-stage and video choreography and most consistently fun albums of them all.
We had a flash in the pan with Christina Aguilera, speaking of, ahem, dirrty, but after she released Stripped I feel like most of her music went a little downhill. Stripped is amazing, though. Plus between the mega-sized fake boobs and the three tons of makeup she wears when she grocery shops, I just can't relate. Sorry, boo. Or maybe I can relate a little too well. I don't need anyone inspiring me to wear more makeup than I already do!
I highly doubt that Ke$ha will elevate to the level of fame that these ladies did, but I adore her. I have consistently had "Bla Bla Bla" in my head, which is a song about a guy who won't shut up when Ke$ha just wants to bang bang bang. I mean, did she really just say, "Don't be a little bitch with your chit-chat, just show me where the dick's at?" Good girl. Hahah, please don't die soon...but watching this video makes me think she might. Be careful, drinky!
Also, "Dinosaur," makes me laugh. It's about old guys hitting on pieces that are too young for them. You've probably heard "Tik Tok," on the radio but the video above is where you can really see what a hot mess this girl is marketing herself as.
http://www.keshasparty.com/us/music/animal
Between Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj (oh my god she is sooo fierce, get the new album it's worth your while) I have my new 20-somethings to love. I still like Lily Allen, especially since she's started partying with Kate Moss and showing more and more nipple. Basically I just love hot messes who own it. ***Please note: Britney did not OWN her messy times...or messy weave!*** I have a feeling that we may see Miley Cyrus jump on the hot-mess bandwagon as soon as she hits, like, 18 or 21. We can only hope! DOWN WITH THE WHOLESOME FACADE! Real girls say and do real things. And I love whorey lyrics and 4-letter-words more than I love back-rubs. So there.
Oh, here's a link to Nicki Minaj, too. Kill da Dj is great, and you've probably already heard I Get Crazy. So good. SO GOOD.
In my musical fantasies, I have a tea party with Mariah Carey and Janet Jackson and Mary J. Blige while R Kelly cooks for us (NO PEE!). In the background? Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj's collab album plays. What? A girl can dream. Oh, and can Tony Danza be there, too? Thanks.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Guerilla: The Taking of Patty Hearst
Best. Movie. Ever.
If you haven't seen it yet, well, DUH watch it NOW!
It's amazing, and it's all true. Don't be a retard. Things like this actually happen, and there are easy peasy movies about it to be seen, dammit!
If you haven't seen it yet, well, DUH watch it NOW!
It's amazing, and it's all true. Don't be a retard. Things like this actually happen, and there are easy peasy movies about it to be seen, dammit!
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